The middle of nowhere or just...
Isolating - It's an interesting word that I'd never thought much about until I stumbled across while doing the 'scroll to the end of facebook' thing one evening last week. It's a word that keeps popping into my mind as it's something that I've struggled to articulate the past few months. This season of my life is kind of hard.
It's something I've lamented since moving to the 'burbs last summer. I expected the weekly dinners, random Tuesday happy hours, and 'we're just down the street so join us...' to slow. What surprised me was the outright change of some of those perceived close friendships into something more casual. I've also found that it's more than location that can cause you to feel isolated. This pregnancy has also been very isolating. I've lost touch with friends and what appears to be the main issue, is simply that we're at different stages in life. I don't feel like I'm a different person, although I suppose you rarely notice the changes in yourself, but it's apparent I've lost some common ground that has created a distance between myself and some of those I used to consider my close friends.
Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy space - both from people and from the civilized world in general. I like being in the middle of nowhere, being alone and just quiet with my thoughts (or no thoughts at all). However, I also thrive off being 'in the mix' - being downtown in a bustling city, or a part of close knit friendships with lots of social activities. Chalk it up to my version of being bi-polar, I like both extremes. What I've found I struggle with, is when the choice between being hyper connected or not, is made for me.
The flip side of this, is that it's forced me to acknowledge how poor of a job I've done to work to maintain some of my friendships. Friends that I used to speak with daily, have faded to once in a blue moon, and I can attribute that (at least partially) to my own actions. I'd like to blame this digital age. How we mostly stay connected through the impersonal means of facebook likes and instagram scrolls. I enjoy social media, have since it started, but I've definitely seen it remove the personal interaction that was once required to stay in touch with friends. I jumped into the whole thing as soon as possible back in 2004, and now I'm wondering if I'm happier/better for it. Has it caused me to stay in touch (or given me reason to be sad that we don't) with people that would have naturally faded from my life - and is this a good or bad thing? I really can't say. I can say that I have not been the best at taking the time to text and call people, even when I can't physically meet up.
The irony is that I feel like some of the comforting support that comes from having a close knit friend group is lacking from my life these days. Ironic because I regret this feeling of loss, but in the same breath I find it hard to do much to fix it. Maybe I'm lazy. Maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe I make too many excuses. Maybe I'm just stretched thin like everyone else out there.
Regardless, I do hope to get back to some place that feels slightly more 'settled' in the coming months.
I'm trying to put in the time to make plans instead of just letting life drift. Promising myself that once I emerge from the chaos of a new kiddo stage, that it's time to put in the work. Guess we shall see.
Until then, cheers!
