down a different path
there's no burgers this week...but something a little different.
First let me give you some background on me.
At different points in my life, acceptance by others has meant either everything or nothing to me.
In high school, I was who I was, love or hate me, I was simply who I was. Part of it was because I neither realized people could not like me, simply for being alive nor even thought about it. I was naïve, but happy.
In college, I started out the same but quickly found that people rarely needed reasons to dislike you. I had always started out liking everyone. Even if I disagreed with what they did or their beliefs, I had no reason to be mean. It was a wide world; couldn’t we all just play nice? Further, even those that once liked you could suddenly turn against you with little reason. It rocked my world, and hurt me deeply. I would have understood if I had done something to another person, but the unreasonable pain caused by people who barely knew me began to change me. I really struggled throughout college. Since I genuinely liked everyone, I couldn’t understand why people were the way they were. I tried to not care, I tried to realize everyone didn’t have to ‘like’ me but it still hurt.
Post college I carried over the confusion but began to care less. I found that occasionally, I didn’t like people either. That’s when I began to understand; sometimes you just don’t have to like everyone.
I’d like to say this is where it ended, that one day I woke up and was able to let it all go. Accept that sometimes people are a good mix, and sometimes not but that everyone could at least be civil.
Unfortunately, such was not the case.
As I got older, I found that more than just not liking people, some people were truly just bad people - those that hurt others for no reason, those that played dirty when there was nothing at stake, and those that had the emotions of a serial killer for their absolute lack of respect for another person’s feelings. I began to take the next step. No longer was it just a matter of not liking someone, it became a matter of contempt. People that are that dark inside, more than not wanting to be friends, I didn’t even want them around. For awhile, I felt I had conquered my old ‘must be liked’ demons. I had a grasp on what I was and was not okay with, I knew what I stood for…and fortunately, my close friends agreed.
I had people come into my life, that were black inside and they quickly found their way out of my circle of friends. As a group we attracted people ‘like’ us- friendly, happy, genuine and caring. We all had our moments, but as a whole it was an uplifting bunch. And again, I wish I could say that’s where it ended. A close knit group of people, working to be better people and standing strong against those that would drag us (or anyone else) down.
Unfortunately, such was not the case.
The final turn, and what leads me to today, is what has transpired of late. As my friend group has aged (hey late twenties/early thirties is OLD), we’ve lost the time to meet new people at the drop of a hat. We’ve taken up with people that are in our friend group solely because of someone else: a girlfriend of your boyfriend’s best friend, a close friend’s new guy, etc… These people are not people you’d welcome in your circle, but that you tolerate because who they know. You open your arms to them, hoping you’ll be lucky enough to hit the friend jackpot but knowing that even if you don’t, you’re still stuck.
So what happens when not only do you lose the new friend lottery but you actually get the booby prize? When these ‘fringe’ friends, who you are stuck with, are those dark people that want to do nothing but cause pain to those around you?
I’m at a loss. It at once, infuriates and saddens me. Even if you manage to kick them out of your life, you can do nothing to remove them from everyone’s lives (and you run the risk of pushing them away). I can accept that. I can accept that we all need to be civil and not go out of our way to damage another person. That’s fair. And even if it wasn’t, trying to hurt someone only makes you one of those ‘evil people’ you’re trying to get rid of…so ok.
What I can’t understand, is those that see all the above, that KNOW how dark and mean these people are and yet either are too blind to admit it to themselves, or worse play the ‘fake friend’ game. I’m talking about those that plan time to hang out with people that they have watched bully and hurt others, those that choose to continue to act like nothing is wrong, the people who would rather play the game than to rock the boat by cooling the friendship.
I’m not saying to attack those people, but there’s a large gap between distancing yourself and being mean. Isn’t the saying ‘stand for something or you’ll fall for anything’? Stand for your values. If you truly appreciate a good friendship and the respect that is involved, why would you waste your time with those that don’t respect the people you love? Isn’t it a bit ridiculous to say you’re one way, and then continue to be around people that are the opposite of what you believe?
The reality is that if people who were mean to others actually had repercussions for their actions, two things would happen. They would realize the problem with what they are doing and change, or they would go away. Continuing to play the friend game only feeds their egos and gives them the sense that what they are doing is right, or funny or at least acceptable. If people would just stop catering to those ‘mean’ people, the whole dynamic would change. I’m living in a fantasy world, I cannot find a single person to actually stand up to these bullies and I’m left looking like an angry fool. I can’t see that anything will ever change, but it is so immensely frustrating to hear normal, sane people say ‘I just don’t want to rock the boat’ and then go through the motions that only feed the BS created by people who truly don’t belong.
First let me give you some background on me.
At different points in my life, acceptance by others has meant either everything or nothing to me.
In high school, I was who I was, love or hate me, I was simply who I was. Part of it was because I neither realized people could not like me, simply for being alive nor even thought about it. I was naïve, but happy.
In college, I started out the same but quickly found that people rarely needed reasons to dislike you. I had always started out liking everyone. Even if I disagreed with what they did or their beliefs, I had no reason to be mean. It was a wide world; couldn’t we all just play nice? Further, even those that once liked you could suddenly turn against you with little reason. It rocked my world, and hurt me deeply. I would have understood if I had done something to another person, but the unreasonable pain caused by people who barely knew me began to change me. I really struggled throughout college. Since I genuinely liked everyone, I couldn’t understand why people were the way they were. I tried to not care, I tried to realize everyone didn’t have to ‘like’ me but it still hurt.
Post college I carried over the confusion but began to care less. I found that occasionally, I didn’t like people either. That’s when I began to understand; sometimes you just don’t have to like everyone.
I’d like to say this is where it ended, that one day I woke up and was able to let it all go. Accept that sometimes people are a good mix, and sometimes not but that everyone could at least be civil.
Unfortunately, such was not the case.
As I got older, I found that more than just not liking people, some people were truly just bad people - those that hurt others for no reason, those that played dirty when there was nothing at stake, and those that had the emotions of a serial killer for their absolute lack of respect for another person’s feelings. I began to take the next step. No longer was it just a matter of not liking someone, it became a matter of contempt. People that are that dark inside, more than not wanting to be friends, I didn’t even want them around. For awhile, I felt I had conquered my old ‘must be liked’ demons. I had a grasp on what I was and was not okay with, I knew what I stood for…and fortunately, my close friends agreed.
I had people come into my life, that were black inside and they quickly found their way out of my circle of friends. As a group we attracted people ‘like’ us- friendly, happy, genuine and caring. We all had our moments, but as a whole it was an uplifting bunch. And again, I wish I could say that’s where it ended. A close knit group of people, working to be better people and standing strong against those that would drag us (or anyone else) down.
Unfortunately, such was not the case.
The final turn, and what leads me to today, is what has transpired of late. As my friend group has aged (hey late twenties/early thirties is OLD), we’ve lost the time to meet new people at the drop of a hat. We’ve taken up with people that are in our friend group solely because of someone else: a girlfriend of your boyfriend’s best friend, a close friend’s new guy, etc… These people are not people you’d welcome in your circle, but that you tolerate because who they know. You open your arms to them, hoping you’ll be lucky enough to hit the friend jackpot but knowing that even if you don’t, you’re still stuck.
So what happens when not only do you lose the new friend lottery but you actually get the booby prize? When these ‘fringe’ friends, who you are stuck with, are those dark people that want to do nothing but cause pain to those around you?
I’m at a loss. It at once, infuriates and saddens me. Even if you manage to kick them out of your life, you can do nothing to remove them from everyone’s lives (and you run the risk of pushing them away). I can accept that. I can accept that we all need to be civil and not go out of our way to damage another person. That’s fair. And even if it wasn’t, trying to hurt someone only makes you one of those ‘evil people’ you’re trying to get rid of…so ok.
What I can’t understand, is those that see all the above, that KNOW how dark and mean these people are and yet either are too blind to admit it to themselves, or worse play the ‘fake friend’ game. I’m talking about those that plan time to hang out with people that they have watched bully and hurt others, those that choose to continue to act like nothing is wrong, the people who would rather play the game than to rock the boat by cooling the friendship.
I’m not saying to attack those people, but there’s a large gap between distancing yourself and being mean. Isn’t the saying ‘stand for something or you’ll fall for anything’? Stand for your values. If you truly appreciate a good friendship and the respect that is involved, why would you waste your time with those that don’t respect the people you love? Isn’t it a bit ridiculous to say you’re one way, and then continue to be around people that are the opposite of what you believe?
The reality is that if people who were mean to others actually had repercussions for their actions, two things would happen. They would realize the problem with what they are doing and change, or they would go away. Continuing to play the friend game only feeds their egos and gives them the sense that what they are doing is right, or funny or at least acceptable. If people would just stop catering to those ‘mean’ people, the whole dynamic would change. I’m living in a fantasy world, I cannot find a single person to actually stand up to these bullies and I’m left looking like an angry fool. I can’t see that anything will ever change, but it is so immensely frustrating to hear normal, sane people say ‘I just don’t want to rock the boat’ and then go through the motions that only feed the BS created by people who truly don’t belong.
